piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
