peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
