why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
