You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I understand Curling. That high.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
