how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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