alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
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Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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