I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
