Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
