I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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