My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
