tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize