Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
