I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
