dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
