Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
