Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
