I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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