Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
