it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
