just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
