I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
