Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
