Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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