Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
