went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
