fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
