Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
