dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
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I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
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When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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