the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
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Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
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Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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