Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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