youre lurking in front of me
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
