in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
