Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
