My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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