If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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