Soap is not a condiment
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
