you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Houston, we have a blender
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
