drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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