when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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