im drinking this country out of the recession.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
