dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
