as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
