My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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