Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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