If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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