I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
