like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
