next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
