Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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