you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
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If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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