dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
