the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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