I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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