just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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