How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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