In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
