When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
