naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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