Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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